


aw, wade no

by sunsetpietro



Category: Deadpool - Fandom, Hawkeye - Fandom, The Avengers
Genre: M/M, a llamas with hats au no one asked for
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-29
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 03:01:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9103627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunsetpietro/pseuds/sunsetpietro
Summary: There was silence. Finally, Clint said in a hushed tone, "Wade, that kills people!"





	1. "my stomach was making the rumblies which only hands could satisfy"

**Author's Note:**

> a clint/wade version of llamas with hats

"Wade, there's a dead human in our house!"

Clint's best friend and roommate Wade, was in the kitchen, doing the dishes, which was odd, because Wade never did the chores.

He shuffled over and poked the dead body with his foot.  "Oh...hey...how did he get here?" Blood was pooling on the floor, from multiple stab wounds in the dead man's chest.

His lying tone was obvious.  Clint stared at him, alarmed.  "Wade, what did you DO?!"

He waved a hand nonchalantly.  "Me?  I didn't do this."

"Explain what happened, Wade!" Clint said angrily.  These kinds of things always seemed to happen whenever he went out.

"I've never seen him before in my life!" Wade protested.

"Why did you kill this person, Wade?!"

"I do not K I L L people.  That is..." he couldn't help glancing back towards the kitchen.  "That is my LEAST favorite thing to do."

Clint sighed.  "Wade, tell me exactly what you were doing before I got home."

Wade frowned and shifted uncomfortably. 

"Alright.  Well, um, I was upstairs..."  
"Yes..."  
"I-I was sitting in my room..."  
"Alright..."  
"Reading a book..."  
He paused, as if unsure to continue.  Clint waved a hand.  "Go on..."  
"And then this guy walked in..."  
There was a sinking feeling of dread in Clint's chest.  "Okay..."  
"So I went up to him..."  
"Yes..."  
"And I, uh...I stabbed him thirty-seven times in the chest!" Wade finished with a hopeful smile.

There was silence.  Finally, Clint said in a hushed tone, "Wade, that kills people!"

He blinked.  "Oh.  I didn't know that."  
"How did you not know that?!" Clint demanded furiously.  
His face fell.  "Yeah, I'm in the wrong here.  I suck..."

Clint realized something else with a start.  "What happened to his hands?!" He stared in horror at the handless corpse.

"What's that?" Wade looked up.  
"His hands.  Why are they missing?"  
"Well..." Wade pointed to the kitchen.  "I kinda cooked them up.  And ate them."  
Well, that explained the dishes.  "...Wade!"  
He shrugged apologetically.  "Well, I was hungry, and you know, when you crave hands-"

"Why on earth would you do that, Wade?" Clint interrupted.  
"I was hungry for hands, give me a break!"

"Wade..."

Wade grinned and wiggled his eyebrows at me.  "My stomach was making the rumblies-"  
"Wade!"

"-that only hands would satisfy!"  
"What is WRONG with you, Wade?" Clint asked, horrified.  Why did I have to have a cannibalistic roommate?

He frowned and counted on his fingers.  "Well, I kill people...and I eat hands."  He held up two fingers.  "That's two things!"


	2. "That's not art, that's homicide!"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You sunk an entire cruise ship, Wade!"
> 
> "Are you sure that was me?  I think I would remember something like that." 

Clint watched the burning ship sink on the horizon, then turned to his roommate, who was sheepishly grinning at him.  "Wade, what on Earth was all that?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to," he said innocently.

"You sunk an entire cruise ship, Wade!"

"Are you sure that was me?  I think I would remember something like that."  He sat down on the floor of the lifeboat we were in, crossing his legs and looking up at the blond.

Clint crossed his arms.  "Wade, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain's face."  He didn't even know how Wade knew how to fire a harpoon.

"That sounds dangerous."

"You were head-butting children off the side of the ship!"

"That, ah, must have been horrible to watch."  Wade's expression said different--he looked like he was enjoying this.

"And then you started making out with the ice sculptures!" Clint cried, exasperated.

Wade smiled, as if in doing this, he'd been doing a great service to society.  "Thank god that the children weren't on board to see it!"

Clint was tempted to kick him off the lifeboat, but when he lifted his shoe to do it, he realized that he was standing in a puddle of something sticky and reddish.  "Wade, why is the bottom of the lifeboat all red and sticky?"

"Hm?" Wade looked down.  "Oh, I guess you could say it is red and sticky."

"Wade, what are we standing in?" Clint demanded.

"Um..." Wade tapped his chin thoughtfully, as if thinking of an answer.  "Would you believe it's strawberry milkshake?"

Oh god.  What could it BE?  "No Wade, I would not believe that."

"Hm...melted gumdrops?"

"No."

"Boat nectar?"

"No!"

"Some of God's tears?"

"Tell me the truth, Wade!" Clint said furiously.

"Fiine."  Wade yawned, playing with the green beanie he always wore.  "It's the lovely elderly couple from 2B."

"Wade!"

"Well, they were taking all the croissant rolls," Wade whined, as if this was an offense that merited murder.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing!"

He grinned again.  "I will not apologize for art."

'That's not art, that's homicide!' Clint was about to yell, but then something dreadfully wrong occurred to him.  He cast a glance around the thoroughly calm ocean.  No other life besides them and the occasional fish.  "Where are the other lifeboats?"

Wade looked around too, raising both eyebrows.  "Wow, you won the prize, I didn't even notice that."

He had to be behind this.  "Where are the other lifeboats, Wade?"

He frowned, looking up at the sun high in the sky, then the water.  "Judging by the trajectory of the moon and the sun...probably at the bottom of the ocean."

Clint stared at him, speechless.

"I bit lots of holes in them," he added as his explanation.

"Wade!"

"I have a problem.  I have a serious problem," he admitted, though he was still smiling.

"You are just...TERRIBLE today!"

Wade put a finger to his lips.  "Shh...do you hear that?" Clint looked around for a minute, confused, until he said, "That's the sound of forgiveness."

"That's the sound of people drowning, Wade."

"THAT," he informed Clint, putting emphasis on the word, "is what forgiveness sounds like.  Screaming, and then silence..."

Clint huffed in response and stared out moodily at the waves, wondering how they were going to get out of THIS mess.


	3. “Oh. That was a foot. I appear to have swallowed an entire person.”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “In that case, I should probably mention I filled our luggage with orphan meat.”

Buildings were burning. People’s screams filled the air. Cries and moans could be heard from the injured, the victims of the horrific attack that’d happened here.

Clint sighed and plopped down on the remains of the city hall, staring out at the havoc that’d been wreaked by none other than his own roommate.

“Wade, we’re supposed to be on vacation…”

“I don’t know about you, but I am having a wonderful time.” Wade walked over, carrying suitcases in each hand. He was wearing his beanie of course, and a t-shirt that had ‘Viva la Résistance!’ written on it in scrawled lettering.

“You toppled the South American government, Wade,” Clint told him.  
He grinned in response, putting down the suitcases and indicating to his shirt. 

“The people have spoken. Viva la Résistance!” He pumped his fist in the air.

“You pushed the resistance leader into a giant fan.” One of which he wasn’t sure where it had come from. Wade waved a hand dismissively. “He was a traitor and a scoundrel.”

“He was trying to stop you from pushing other people into a giant fan.”

Wade opened his mouth to answer, but then paused as he looked down at his stomach, from which it had just looked like something kicked him from the inside. “Oh. That was a foot. I appear to have swallowed an entire person.”

“That would be the hotel bartender,” Clint told him with another sigh.  
“That explains why my mojito was taking so long,” Wade mused.

Clint shuddered. “It was horrifying. Your mouth unhinged like a snake.” And a very large snake indeed.  
Wade’s grin widened. “Wow, that sounds pretty awesome.”  
“I can’t go anywhere with you, Wade!” Clint exclaimed exasperatedly.

He pouted. “Aw, that hurt my feelings. Now we’re both in the wrong.”  
Clint stood up, walking away without even looking at him. “I’ve had enough of this, we’re leaving.”

“In that case, I should probably mention I filled our luggage with orphan meat.”

Clint whirled around to see Wade pointing to the suitcases. “What?”  
Wade shrugged innocently. “Well, I’m building a meat dragon, and not just any meat will do.”

Clint sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. Like always, Wade was giving him a headache. “You know what? I’m not even shocked anymore.”

Wade made a face. “Aw, that’s no fun,” he complained.  
“This has become the norm for you, Wade.”

He frowned. “I’ll have to try harder next time.”

“Please don’t…”  
“I feel like I’ve been issued a challenge,” Wade mused, starting to smile.

“Wade…”  
“It’s too late now!” he proclaimed, wagging a finger in my face. “You….”  
Clint blinked. That was a new one, even for Wade. “You?”

“I totally don’t remember your name.”  
Clint resisted the urge to smack him upside the head. “We’ve known each other for three years, Wade!”

“And what an impression you’ve made,” he said in that tone that meant he was lying.

Clint crossed his arms, annoyed. “My name is Clint.”

Wade’s eyebrows raised. “What?”  
“I said, my name is Clint,” he repeated.  
“Oh.” His forehead furrowed. “I thought you were a woman.”

Clint stared at him like he was insane, then down at himself. What was he smoking? 

Clint looked nothing like a girl, not that there was anything wrong with looking like one especially if they looked like Nat, Clint thought.

“Why would you think that?”  
“Mostly the hat.” Wade tilted his head to the side, examining the blond curiously. “Are you sure?”

How many times did he have to tell him a fedora wasn’t a chick hat?! “Of course I’m sure!”

“Well then…” Wade began shuffling away. “If you’d excuse me, I have some pictures to delete from my computer…”


	4. shhaha

There were times when Wade would absolutely not take care of himself at all.

Clint would step into the room belonging to the other man and be aghast at the landfill residing in it.

"Waaaaadddeee."

"Yeah?", would respond the unicorn-humper groggily from beneath a few blankets just thrown into a pile at the corner of the room. He had a sort of treasure collection going on the rest of his bed, a vast variety of beautiful jewelry and expensive-looking golden items that Clint eyed a bit suspiciously.

"I'm not even going to ask about those right now." Clint put his hands on his hips with a stern look, "-but this mess! Wade, look at it! It's seeping out into the hallway!"

"Clinton, it's not a mess. Maybe from your perspective, but from my point of view, it's a lateral filing system!"

"...A lateral filing system." Clint repeated skeptically, raising an eyebrow at Wade from the other side of trash. "Ew! Wade! I think I seen something moving in there!"

"Oh! Uh? Wow, Clint, Are you seeing things? Maybe you should see a doctor."

"Wade, I'm not the one who needs therapy. I seen something move in there!", Clint pointed at the pile of trash, which now had a paw wriggling out of it.

"...Uh..."

Clint watched with a small amount of horror as he realized a barely-alive cat slowly squirming out of a pile of trash with one paw. "-AHH!-" He backed off quickly. "WAAAADDDDEE! That cat is attached to the trash!" He yelled, watching as the trashcat slowly and agonizingly scooted itself across the floor.

Wade sat up in his bed, rubbing one of his eyes, "Well, yes, you. Way to go, why don't you tell he's adopted too while you're at it!"

The trash cat meowed, a low guttural sound that shook the entire trash pile and sent bits of trash fluid everywhere around it.

"Ughhh! That's disgusting, Wade!", Clint protested. "Why did you cut a cat in half and see it to trash items? The poor thing doesn't even have eyes anymore!"

"Yeah, I suppose I really should take it out soon." Wade mused halfheartedly, seeming to be fully content with the situation as he picked up a string of pearls that looked to be expensive as all hell. Clint's eyebrows drew together slightly, "Wade! Where did you get all of that?"

"Hm? The trash?", Wade asked innocently. "It accumulated on its own." He replied simply.

"No! Not that! The money! And that jewelry!" Wade demanded answers while the poor half-dead trashcat mewled pathetically across the floor of Wade's room.

"Oh! I bought it from a charity auction! To help the starving children!" Wade grinned at the blond.

"Wade, tell the truth!"

"MEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!" The cat abomination let out a meow that slightly shook the floor of the house.

"I am telling the truth! I always tell the truth! I'm a very honest man!", Wade just grinned at Clint without missing a beat, "Without me auctioning off all that stolen money, how would Oliver have some more?"

"Wade! Tell me the truth this instant! You stole from that department store in the next city over again, didn't you?"

"Well, I never! The accusations that are coming out of your mouth right now!" Wade acted hurt, but Clint just narrowed his eyes slightly with a frown.

"You did, didn't you?", Clint put a hand against his forehead, seeming absolutely done with this morning already. "Wade an entire street was set on fire during the robbery! Why did you set it on fire?"

The trashcat was scratching at the wall, now quietly trying to electrocute itself with the wall plug-in.

"I did not set it on fire! I merely saved the stores from somebody else setting it on fire!"

"Wade, that doesn't even make any sense!" Clint was now regarding the pile of stolen jewelry and covered his mouth with his hand before pointing. "Please don't tell me that's a real finger in that ring!"

"Well, the cashier wouldn't give it up willingly!"

"Oh, god-!"

"Yeah, I know! Pfft, hostages these days, am I right?"

The trash cat was currently zapping itself and smoke slowly filled the room as the cat wriggled intensely and emitted loud trashcat sounds.

"WADE, GET IT THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!", Clint hollered, aghast at the entire situation.

"Oh, fine. I'll get outside for you, but you owe me!" Wade got up begrudgingly and quickly tossed the fried trashcat abomination out the window and into the dumpster in the street. "Ooh! He shoots, he scores." Wade smiled and closed the window.

"Ew, Wade, your room smells." Clint had a hand on his face as he stepped back again.

"That's just my natural masculine musk." Wade chuckled, wandering back to the bed and picking up a gold ruby necklace that held a string of jewels in a lighter shade of red.

"No, Wade, that's the smell of burnt cat! Just think of what you did to the poor thing!" Clint whined, stepping back over to the window and opened it, trying to get the room ventilated.

He heard Wade's footsteps behind him as he opened up the other window as well. He turned slowly and his brown eyes met the sight of Wade holding the necklace out.

"Ah!" He nearly bumped into the window, a hand at his own chest before he sighed, rolling his eyes, "Wade! Gosh, don't scare me like that!" Clint scolded the other man.

"You're not going to tell on me, are you?", Wade asked, raising an eyebrow as he continuously stared at him.

Clint had noticed a long time ago that Wade had this habit of staring at whomever he was speaking to. He wouldn't usually look away while he was talking, and if he did, it was only for a moment before his eyes were trained back on him.

Clint rolled his eyes slightly, snapping his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Wade, we've been through this. Remember?", he sighed, straightening out his red hat on his head, a stern look at Wade. "Goodness knows I should, but..."

He let that statement drift off as the man in the green hat slowly reached over, his hands wrapping around Clint's neck. "-What- are you-!"

There was a small snap sound.

Clint glanced down as he nearly expected Wade to try and kill him, but was instead greeted with the sight of the lightish-red and gold necklace around his neck. "-oh?"

"It goes with your hat." Wade gestured, nodding at him.

"Oh."

"Oh?", Wade raised an eyebrow with a small smile.

"I just thought maybe you were-", Clint shrugged, "-I don't know."

"I don't know what you are insinuating, but I'm a gentleman!" Wade said smugly, with that knowing smile that he usually wore.

"You know what I meant, Wade!", Clint rolled his eyes slightly, moving around Wade and trying to surpress the slight burning sensation in his face at the implications Wade was joking about.

He glanced at Wade and threw a frown on his own face, glancing at the very slight distance between them and moved to the side slightly. "I can't accept this, Wade! You stole it from some poor lady who now has one less finger!" He took the necklace off and set it back on the bed with the rest of the pile.

"Ah, come on! I'm sure she won't even notice what's missing!"

"How could she not know what's missing, Wade?"

"I burned the entire street down, remember?", Wade smiled charmingly at him. It seemed like their little back and forth banter just made the whole situation more fun for the sociopath.

"I don't- WADE! - you bit her finger off! I'm pretty sure she's going to notice you stole from her store!"

"I think she's more preoccupied with the fact she's a bit more crispy than she used to be."

"...What. Wade! What did you do?"

"Huh? Me? I didn't do it!"

"WADDEEE! Did you set her on fire?"

"Hey! I didn't do it! The only thing going up in smoke lately is the state of the economy!"

"-and that cat that electrocuted in here that you sewed to your trash, Wade." Clint had a hand to his face once again, his brow furrowed once again.

"Hey, that was pure genius. took /himself/ out. Never before has trash had that amount of simplicity!"

"Wade, that's terrible." Clint's brows went up, but the pun was not lost on him. Clint tried to stop the small sound that rose from his throat.

"...You almost laughed!"

"No, I did not," Clint shook his head, turning to leave. "I'm going to cook breakfast."

Clint sighed heavily as he left, but casted a look back at Wade before he left down the stairs.

He couldn't help but notice the smug little happy look across Wade's face as he cleaned up the rest of the mess in his room.


End file.
